Episode 1: First Impressions

OK, here goes -- a sentence I never thought I’d write. My first blog post as a Real
Housewife.

Let’s start at Sonja’s party with its crinkles and fresh guests. This was where I
met everyone, and I was a little freaked out. I forgot that I’m shy. Did you notice?
I’m comfortable in most social situations, but meeting Sonja, LuAnn, Heather,
and Aviva all at once, so bright and bold, was overwhelming. Also, I didn’t know
where to put my coat -- where did everyone put their coats? It wasn’t clear. There
was coat pressure.

The dirty martinis came fast. I actually don’t drink much, I had to train for the
show. I had to practice doing shots and drinking things dirty and on the rocks. It’s
not as easy as it looks.

So, first impressions.

LuAnn’s like my high school French teacher, strict and proper with great
cheekbones. I spoke French once, sort of. I dated a French-Canadian and he
texted me in French. I used Google Translate to read them and to convert my
English replies back, but the process wore me out. We didn’t last.

Sonja is restless and sultry, like Elizabeth Taylor in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I
wonder if she’s ever dated anyone named Brick or Paul Newman.

Ramona’s fun. I can’t look at her without laughing. And the more time I spend
with her, the funnier she gets. I nicknamed her “Bunny,” as in Energizer. She
never stops moving!

Heather has a cool, bouncy charm. She’s like the girls I wanted to be friends with
in high school, but was too geeky to approach.

Aviva lights the room like a rainbow (spoiler alert: there’s rainbow talk later on!)
She’s tall and stunning and I was drawn to her -- who wouldn’t be? Plus, she
read my book! I’m easy. Writers spend a lot of time in cramped spaces, all alone,
mostly slowly going mad. Once in a blue moon we stumble onto someone who’s
read our work and we love them. It was a gift to hear her thoughts. She also had
the best line of that party. You’re cool as a cat.

Ok, now a pop quiz. This is important. During that first scene, Aviva and I were
having a serious conversation about my book and she brought up a passage
about a cross. It was a birthday gift my late husband got for me, a beautiful
diamond cross that he bought before he died then gave to a friend to give to me
on my birthday, in case he wasn’t there. He wasn’t, and my friend gave me the
cross. It is a poignant scene and memory, and Aviva was touched by it. So after
she brought up that story, which of the below do you think was my reaction?

A. Outraged, I flipped the table.
B. Crushed, I had a meltdown.
C. Confused, I broke into a rambling monologue in French.
D. Drunk, I swigged some more of Ramona’s pinot grigio.
OR
E. Moved by her reaction, I hugged her.

Through the magic of television, it seems I am completely indifferent to what
she’s saying and instead momentarily obsessed with my breasts. The first person
to tweet what actually happened will win speed-reading lessons from Ramona.
(I LOVE kids!)

Moving on. I didn’t get a pedicure, but was surprised to learn that Eric Clapton
has the same bag for his pool cue as Aviva does for her leg. Who would’ve
guessed? And Aviva’s ex, Harry, you know the guy with the comb-over? He
allegedly slept with half the Housewives. He must have a big, um, wallet.

At Glamour, you got to meet the incomparable Cindi Lieve. Glamour is a fabulous
magazine that I am lucky enough to sometimes write for and Cindi is the brainy
beauty at the helm. I love working with her and the editors there. They’ve given
me great assignments over the years. This time it was a cover story on the
Kardashian sisters. We went over the details in her office and then I flew to
Kourtney's house. Reality meets reality, very meta!

Did you see me shamelessly pitch my book while I was there? Don't knock it. It's
not easy to make a living in publishing, you have to hustle.
(I really love kids!)

I missed the Hamptons. I had a deadline and had to work. But if I'd been there I
would have topped everyone, I’m sure of it. I would have brought four pies to
beat Aviva's three and I would have read faster than Ramona. I would have had scotch, snagged the single guy, and talked twice as much as all of them. I would
have held Sienna at the art show and she wouldn't have cried. By the way, watch
for upcoming scenes with Sienna and I, we kill it. Did you know I love kids?

Heather had a point when she said she hardly spoke to Ramona and Mario
before they told her she talks too much, but that’s Ramona. You cannot take her
too seriously. And she’s no slouch in the talking department herself.

Ramona toasted to bashert. What is bashert anyway? It sounds like a stain on
your blouse. Heather said it’s about fate, which makes sense. I think we all were
fated to meet up in this cosmic Haley's-Comet-gone-wrong little world, don’t you?
Since I missed the Hamptons, I asked the girls to lunch to fill me in. LuAnn was
so wound up she forgot to drink her coffee! After she left, the three rookies -- me,
Heather, Aviva -- vowed to not be mean. Let’s see how that goes.

After watching this first episode, there are five things you should have learned.
Luann knows other languages, Aviva has three legs, Heather talks fast, Ramona
reads fast, Sonja played pool with Eric Clapton and most important of all...I love
kids.

Did I mention I love kids?
Ciao!
(I got that from Google translate. It means “Goodbye.”)