S6 Episode 11: The Widow's Guide to Sex and Dating

This week, kids, was all about relationships. Whether or not to throw things in a relationship, when it's appropriate or not to throw things, who gets to shout in a claustrophobic banquette intervention and who doesn't. What to do or not say on a date. Etc.

William Butler Yeats -- a cute dead poet who proposed to both his lover and her daughter -- said the only things worth writing about are Sex and Death. I agree. I ran with that, and added love, then spun it into a cute little novel about the three: Death, Sex and Love in that order.

Thankfully none of the Housewives are dying, but we are all obsessed about sex. Unless we're hungover doing Yoga. That's another thing altogether.

Sex, Lies and Etiquette

I wrote a piece for Town & Country last fall on the etiquette of gift-giving. (I hope my editor didn't watch this episode, and see how stuck I was days before it was due!)

http://www.townandcountrymag.com/society/tradition/gift-etiquette

Lu is the consummate host and guest, I used more than a little of her advice. I still feel like a great gift for a girl is shoes. One of the best gifts I ever got was a pair of Candy's wedges (what was the shoe story in the piece ... goldfish in the heels? Remember? Was that a real story, I can't find it in the drafts I have.)

Impropriety is the soul of wit

I'm on a Somerset Maugham kick today, that's his line. It's a great line, but if it's true why aren't we all cracking up? We're improper all the time.

Cash knows propriety, he's not laughing. Share your ice cream with your Mom's friends, roll your eyes when she tells you something you already know. Oh, and don't throw things at someone's face. Cash has that down cold.

So back in the jungle, we're all planning the trap -- how to snare Ramona in a corner banquette of a high-end New York Asian restaurant (OR WHATEVER IT WAS). Again, etiquette questions arise, they always do in these situations. Who is better suited to trap, and on which side? Who gets to shout and who doesn't? When is it appropriate to say "her" vs. someone's actual name? How many Swiss psychiatrists does it take to keep a girl in the Berkshires? Who is Molly Sims?

As with the bear and the fish in the Berkshires, we took up screaming again as our foolproof strategy to scare bystanders away. I don't think anyone has visited this place (NAME?) since we were there.  

Love is what happens to men and women who don't know each other

So, I'm busted. I suck at dating. I happen to be brilliant about telling other people how to date, so just do as I say not as I do. I equipped my cute Claire Byrne with good dating skills. She snared Jack Huxley, after all, and a few other nice men. But if there was any confusion about why I'm a serial first-dater, I think it's all clear now.

That is Somerset Maugham's line again, because I've always trusted him. He wrote life well. But I didn't know Nick / Neil, and love is not what happened. What happened is that I ate all the oysters and talked about orgasms. Why doesn't love happen to men and women who do that?

Kristen and Josh, on the other hand, know and love each other well but sometimes drive each other crazy. If I'd married Nick/Neil, I wonder if he'd take business calls during therapy. I'm pretty sure he would, he's an actor. You never know when you'll get that next part. I wonder if he'd come home if I made dinner. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't, I converted my kitchen to an office and my signature dish is Top Ramen with peas.

Mari o and Ramona always fascinate me. I love to observe their marriage. Did you catch all the little things in that scene? The bottle of wine in the bedroom, ready to go for the man. Mario's body language and listening skills are amazing. His wife is upset so he consciously shifts down a few gears. His movements are slow and easy, he maintains eye contact. His position is relaxed and he hears out everything she says before speaking back. He uses humor. The feedback he gives her is empathetic and validates her feelings. Maybe he had a tee time and needed to get out of there quick, but I thought he was brilliant. If I ever marry Nick/Neil, that's the way I want him to listen to me.  

By the way, here are useful tips for a date: Don't talk about orgasms or masturbation, don't repeatedly announce how terrible you are at dating. Don't talk with oysters in your mouth, don't eat all the oysters. Don't forget your date's name, or announce that you Googled him right before. Don't curse or analyze men's seed.  

There. follow those simple rules and you'll be fine.

Jacques, by the way, rated me a BLANK.

Bring Your Flowers in a Vase

Yellow roses are the flower of friendship. Nice touch, Ramona. But friendship is tricky when you tell your cab to keep the meter running. Ramona is very comfortable with both the Hamptons and Hair, and this little rift isn't going to be neatly sewn up.